so I had a relapse. Bo took the kids and dogs camping on Thursday and I had to stay home so that I could work Friday night. I knew that I was walking on shaky ground. I talked openly about it to a friend and to my sponsor and to my support group. I exercised thursday morning and friday morning. I felt abandoned. I relapsed not Thursday, but on friday. I went to a really dark place. I sharpened my kitchen knives. I cut my antecubital space with one. I didn't want to die, just get the pain out. Then the hospital calls me to say that I'm not needed and I need to stay available for them in case things change. Now I can't even do something fun. Alone. alone. alone.
I did some things that I'm not proud of but I also called work. They made a way for me to work. I did, and I'm proud of myself for that. My family came home Saturday evening and I felt safe once again.

FOOD PLAN:
Eating as little as possible. Haven't used diet pills for days now. Ate fresh rainbow trout tonight for dinner w/the family. Still using 1/2 caffeine, 1/2 decaf in the morning. Trying to cut back on the caffeine. still consuming a little bit of gluten. I always regret it later.

WORKING ON STEPS:
Didn't do much recovery study today. Not motivated, depressed.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness, new chances, a new day, a body that keeps ticking despite what I do to it.

ED BEHAVIORS:
restricting food, skipping meals, self depracating thoughts

ATTENDANCE:
no church this morning, no OA mtg today. I did go to celebrate recovery Thursday night.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Didn't tell spouse of how bad things were while he was gone. Did tell him I relapsed at day 7. told him why.

Doing better

I have 4 days behind me of living without e.d. behaviors. At times I am white knuckling it, other times, I feel ok.

FOOD PLAN:
eating safe, healthy foods when hungry. Recording the foods I eat. Not calling my food plan in, and not really following a plan at all.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I will need to do my step booklet homework today and tomorrow for my Thurs night meeting. We are working on the Hope chapter, so that's a good sign that things will start looking up, hopefully. I spend a few hours every day committing my time to recovery. I'm reading material in books, stuff on-line, my recovery Bible, speaking to ppl in recovery by phone, etc. I'm not treating recovery as if it's a passive process that works like osmosis for me. I'm working my tail off. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't deserve it to be easy. I got myself into this problem, and I will get myself out of it, with the help and strength of my HP, which I call God Almighty.

GRATITUDE:
I'm a wretch, a sinner, think sinful things, do sinful acts, but I'm forgiven and each day get to start over with God. Grateful I live in a place where I can openly and legally worship God. I have Bibles, and I am allowed to study them and learn from them. I still have my family who's stuck it out with me for years. I have friends that minister to me for free every day. I live in Paradise.

ED BEHAVIORS:
I'm taking diet pills: 4-6 per day. I have to keep my appetite under control, and I don't know if these pills are even working. I'm still hungry/ravishing hungry most of the time. I wake in the middle of the night starving. I'm restraining myself from eating too much. It's hard and I get pissed off about it. I just want to gorge myself w/food and get rid of it. But I'm not doing that today. Just for today, I won't do that. I won't punish myself by starving this hungry body. That will only lead to worse acts against myself.
My walks are a little longer and further. 75 minutes these days. Don't know how far, but I will drive the route and find out.

ATTENDANCE:
Went to recovery last night and stayed despite the rain storm. It frightens me to drive in the rain, since my roll over car accident on a freeway in 1996 while pregnant. The rain flooded the lane, and my car hydroplaned and rolled. I have panic attacks driving on the freeway in the rain now. I did ok though.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
Let the husband be angry, it doesn' have to pull my spirit down. I prayed for him yesterday when he wasn't home from work at the usual, expected time. He came home happier. Thankyou, Lord.

Day 4 of no bingeing, no purging, no restricting

I've decided to call my sponsor at the end of the day, due to relapses after calling in the past. It's like the evil one knows I won't call her after we've just talked, so that's when he gets me. I will call her toward the end of the day and tell her how I've done, what I learned, what I struggled with, etc. My spouse is just awful to be around lately. Like, for the past couple of weeks. He's critical, judgemental, negative, demanding, selfish. He yells at his wife and kids, calls the kids demeaning names like slob, pig, punk, etc. He grills me on my activities and makes snide remarks or criticizes what I call success. I can't lean on him for support right now at all. I am leaning more on God for strength and for hope.

FOOD PLAN:
eat when hungry, eat healthy foods, record foods throughout the day on paper. Don't eat unless physically hungry.

WORKING ON STEPS:
Doing the step workbook from Celebrate Recovery. I wish we were moving thru it faster. I'm feeling held back or harnessed. I study my Bible.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
grateful that I'm forgiven each day for my transgressions, even when I'm committing the same ones day after day.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Taking Metabolife to suppress my VORACIOUS appetite. Don't know if I'm so hungry from the exercise or from the celexa dose increase, but it's scaring me to death. I hate hunger, and hate giving into it by eating. I still don't know what I weigh, and fear gaining a ton from eating so much food.

ATTENDANCE:
Went to church Sunday, went to CR Thursday night and the Tuesday before it.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Spouse is bringing me down, making me anxious, repelling me from him. I'm being codependent for my children whom I feel protective over.

i'm hopeless

I'm hopeless about recovery today. I spoke w/my sponsor, telling her I've been doing great today and did great yesterday. Not 30 min. after our talk, I'm eating granola bars. I added my calorie total for the day so far and was over 800. I ate some more and purged it all. Now i have guilt and hopelessness. I'll have to tell on myself to my spouse and he'll be angry at me like he was a couple of nights ago. He doesn't deserve the truth, because he just gets angry at me and yells at me and then I feel worse. I give up, Lord. I give up. I'm not even going to try to get better for the rest of the day. I'm going to just ignore the whole damn thing.

mopey monday

My spouse left yesterday for a 4 day nursing conference in Boise. I'm alone w/the kids until Wednesday. The abandonment feelings began as soon as he walked out the door. My fear hit a new high. I cleaned, exercised alone for an hour and stayed out of the home and busy yesterday. I finally got home about 8 pm and started eating. ate cereal, cereal, cereal. Some candy. I ate. Then I purged and went to bed. I had 3 good days before yesterday. I was in contact w/my sponsor yesterday, but still, the e.d. won.

FOOD PLAN:
not following one as I haven't contacted food sponsor in days for a variety of reasons.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness from my multitude of sins. A new start. A loving spouse.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
restricting. Yesterday the only thing i ate was a granola bar for breakfast, another for lunch and about 5 chips. I drank some wine w/my friend. I binged and purge one time in the evening.

ATTENDANCE:
church closed. missed my Sunday OA meeting to spend time w/a friend and entertain my kids

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none

so, so, so.....

Today has been the worst relapse day ever. I called my sponsor in the morning, but other than that, I really didn't use the tools of the program. Tomorrow I will. I plan to use the following tools tomorrow:
phone
journaling
food plan
commit food plan to food sponsor
contact main sponsor
read recovery literature
read Bible
pray
turn will over to God
exercise
do feelings exercise w/spouse

FOOD PLAN:
ate what I wanted when and where I wanted to

WORKING ON STEPS;
no, none

GRATITUDE:
I didn't die, I didn't get caught in a bad situation, didn't need the e.r. at KMC, still have family and friends. God hasn't abandoned me yet. I am forgiven.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
binged and purged 3 or 4 separate times
skipped 2 meals: 1 before and 1 after b/p's.
dehydration state

ATTENDANCE OF CHURCH AND MEETINGS:
not today. Not aware of any meetings

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
my schedule revolved around my kids' needs. camp, etc. Soccer mom, that's me.

tomorrow is a new day. I have tools available and i need to use them.
I don't know what I'm running away from. It may be the stress of Wednesday's appt, I don't know. My mom called and said that it would be a good idea for me to go into treatment the last 10 days of December and the first 10 days of January so that insurance would pay more. Yeah, Mom, if I'm still alive I'll be sure to do that. thanks.

Sunday, day 2

Yesterday, I did not use any e.d. behavior to cope. I ate, I drank, I exercised moderately. I ate some sugar, but didn't over do it. I woke up this morning looking bigger, but w/no scale, I don't know if I actually am or not. No church today. I did walk this am alone for 50 minutes. I have to go to the inlaws for dinner as it's Father's Day and Bo's dad invited us. The kids are highly allergic to cats, and there are at least 2 up there on a regualr basis. When one dies, it is replaced by another. Bo is aware of this, and aware that the boys ended up in the hospital for 3 days the last time they were in a home w/cats. I throw my hands up and declare powerlessness over this.
I have decided to mark what day of recovery and abstinence from e.d. behavior on my inner wrist with a silver sharpie pen. It reminds me of how far I've come, and it motivates me to be good so that I don't have to go back to 1.

FOOD PLAN:
Eat when hungry. Eat small to moderate amount of healthy food. If I want a sweet or some candy, I will allow it for now. I am avoiding trigger foods. Breakfast was peanuts, coffee.
Lunch was mixed bean soup with white meat of chicken, 1/2 slice cheese, an apple.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I spent a couple of hours reading God's word and recovery material. I contacted my sponsor this morning.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I am grateful to have one whole good day behind me. I'm grateful that I'm not holding anger and resentment toward my dad for his tough love approach on the phone last month. I'm grateful I sleep at night. I'm grateful I don't have to work on a full time basis. Grateful for a spouse that tries things to help me.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
none yesterday. So far today, none.

ATTENDANCE OF CHURCH, MEETINGS:
Went to a saturday Celebrate meeting even though I don't go regularly. No church this morning.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none. still no boundaries.