Friday, May 30

I b/p today. I just knew I had to get it over with so that I could get on w/my day which was very busy and still is. I haven't weighed in over a week. I'm trying Celexa for the ocd and urge to binge, or purge, or whatever my e.d. wants me to do. I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and cried when I shared. I talked about anger and resentment and shared that although I'm not angry and resentful toward my parents, I still wonder why I never got counseling when I witnessed her getting hit by a car and being on a ventilator in ICU. Our family was pretty messed up as a result of her temporal lobe head injury, yet the warning signs never prompted action. this made me cry. My appt w/Roye on Wednesday was awful, and I'm still reeling from that. I only have one Slim Fast left, so today at the grocery store, I bought Starbuck's coffee drinks in a bottle for my meal replacements. At least it doesn't say Slim on the bottle. It has 20 more cals than slim fast does. I may have to put these in a place that the spouse is not likely to find them. He hates me being on liquid meals. I was up for over 36 hours, and was still wired at bedtime last night. I took a 10 mg amitryptaline last night and 100 mg seroquel b/c i just HAVE TO sleep. I did, like a rock. It felt good. I was in good spirits today, so I don't know why I binged and purged. A longing for comfort is all I can think of. No one in my life gives me the soft, cozy comfort that i truly long for. Bo is occupied w/work, etc. My family is far away, and my kids don't let me cuddle w/them like they did when they were younger. Now they are "cool".
So:
FOOD PLAN:
I'm really loving the liquid meals. I love not dealing w/chewing and planning, etc.

WORKING ON THE STEPS:
not doing anything right now

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
That my secrets can stay secrets, celebrate recovery, alive

ED BEHAVIORS:
binged and purged today, liquid meals in a can

ATTENDANCE:
Celebrate Recov last night

PROGRESSION IN CODEPENDENCE:
I won't let Bo weigh me, as I have placed a boundary on that issue. I don't think he realizes this yet, but if he tries, I will tell him. I am responsible for my happiness only. Not anyone elses.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

So I saw the mental health nurse practitioner today and she really brought me down. I told her of all of the meetings I've found and am attending. She focused on the fact that I've only had 4 days this month of no e.d. behavior. On a positive note, she prescribed Celexa, which will hopefully bring the ocd drive down to normal. I really am trying to get better, and I am better. I don't weigh 82 pounds. Infact, I don't know what I weigh since I stopped weighing myself last Thursday. I don't purge 5-8 times per day, I purge 0-1 time. I don't exercise 4 hours, I exercise for 30-40 minutes. She pointed out this: I've FAILED 3 treatment centers, how is a family practice dr going to make me better. He's a very busy guy, his exercises aren't going to cure me. It was so negative. I go back in 3 weeks for a medication check, and after that I'm seeing the psychiatrist. Hope he's more positive. Maybe she's just being real and I can't take it. I don't know anymore.

FOOD PLAN:
Slim Fast once today, NuGo granola bar twice today, 1/2 apple, cashews. Plan to eat a salad for dinner tonight.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Binged, purged one time. Meal replacements.

ATTENDANCE AT MEETINGS, CHURCH, BIBLE STUDY:
I went to church on Friday night at Real Life. I went alone and it was great. Sunday I attended 2 OA meetings. One was awful, the second one was great and I plan to go back. Tuesday morning I saw my counselor and Tuesday night I went to my bible study w/my spouse. Today's OA meeting has been cancelled.

STEP WORK:
none, still don't have a new sponsor. i don't like talking to the old sponsor on the phone. I feel hurt by her unannounced absence.

CODEPENDENCY:
My spouse hurt me last night by saying, "when you have Slim Fast for a meal, I consider it skipping that meal." I thought, then fine, I won't have anything then.

I can't believe it

Dr. Torquato, I think you are doing a splendid job w/my treatment, however, yesterday blew me away. In front of my spouse, you asked me if I'm bingeing, purging, chewing and spitting, or restricting. There is no way I can be open and honest about those things w/my spouse there. If I had been alone, I would have told you that the bingeing is decreased, but still happening, and in fact happened that very day. The purging is nearly a daily event and happened that very day. The chewing and spitting only happens at work when there are baked foods around for the taking. I haven't worked in 10 days, so it hasn't happened recently. I used a diuretic and 2 laxatives the morning of our appt because I planned on getting weighed. I was honest about the Slim Fast and meal replacement bars. This is why I gave myself a 3 on the scale of e.d. behavior. My spouse doesn't know the details of my addiction. He doesn't need to, as he has difficulty w/the things he knows about. I'm sorry I lied, but it was for self protection.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Now I have 2 days this month of no purging. I did not binge on those days either. I did use Slim Fast for 2 meals yesterday. I ate a meal replacement bar for breakfast and 1/2 for a snack, another 1/2 at bedtime. I probably consumed about 1200 or 1300 cals yesterday. This morning, my wt was still high. I don't know why. It must be the Seroquel. This is frustrating to me, especially b/c I get weighed at the dr tomorrow. I plan to run today. Maybe go to the gym and lift weights. I have a lot to do, and I haven't worked in over a week, so I feel guilty and ashamed for that.
FOOD PLAN:
Using meal replacement bars and shakes. This is less overwhelming to me.

MEETINGS:
Went to Celeb. Recovery from 6-9 pm last night. Talked 1:1 w/a member there for about 40 min. Participated. Bought a CR journal.

EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS:
weighing myself, obsessing about my fat body, anxious about wt and body, not following food plan that includes real foods from the food groups.

GRATITUDE:
having employment, having a higher power, family, friends, a chance at recovery, my team, no major crises to handle right now, health.

CODEPENDENCY:
more awareness about the various ppl and places that I am codependent about. Learning about healthy boundaries, esp w/spouse and father.

Moody Monday

Kids went back to school, and I haven't been forcing myself to sit in my 5th graders class lately. Sure enough, I get a call from the principal. Seems my son spit on a boy who is a friend. He was angry at him for imitating him in an ifeminate way. This is really bringing me down. I hurt b/c my son is hurting. He feels like an outcast at school even though he's a funny, likeable kid. He super sensitive like I am. I feel hurt, he gets angry. I don't know what to do except to love him.
My wt is down a pound today. It's still too high, but I'm eating light and healthfully. I exercised a lot yesterday eve while playing 2 softball games back to back. I plan on exercising today, but I have been painting a bathroom for 2 days now. It wears me out.
FOOD PLAN: not following one
GRATITUDE: God, friends, family, a home, a job, grace, warm weather, counselor, doc.
STEP WORK: none today or yesterday. I am doing some reading of recovery materials.
EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS: weighing of self and food. Obsessing about the appearance of fat and cellulite on body and what ppl are seeing and thinking. Diuretic use yesterday eve b/c I felt like I was retaining water from increased sodium intake the day before. Restricing food.
CODEPENDENCY; working on bathroom w/spouse. He is impatient, I feel inept. I feel small and insignificant.
Today, I feel that there is no possible way for me to leave my family. My 11 yr old especially needs me and needs stability in his life. I feel like if alcoholics can recover thru meetings, so can I. I will keep trying. No meeting tonight, but I see counselor in a.m., and I have Celebrate Recovery in the eve.

I keep trying to post on sparkpeople, and my entry gets erased nearly every time. It wastes my time. I am crazy today, b/c I weighed first thing and my wt is up!!!! I want to start cutting fat and flesh off my pudgy legs right now. I was noticing my calves and thighs last night when I was hanging out w/the family. i was so disgusted w/my body. I went to bed, tossed and turned most of the night, weighed this am, and my wt is up to 94!!! Yes, I ate a lot of sodium yesterday, but I was hoping, praying, counting on being lower than yesterday. I am so horrified. I went to church w/the family and really related to the pastor. Our pastor is very touchy/feely and he was crying during the sermon. i think he would relate to me. So my spouse and I came home and painted our bathroom. It's a lot of work, and the spouse was frustrated w/the removal of the 3 cabinets in there. i feel like a thumb around him when there's work to be done. I really don't have a rhythm about constructing, painting, etc. Sometimes, I feel like he needs a husband more than a wife. So, we have the first coat of the 3rd color up. The first was smokey eggplant. Too dark. Next I put up a soft lavendar in the same color palette. Icky. Now we are doing a light brown. I don't know if I like it, but it's staying no matter what. I am following a food plan unrigidly. I am grateful that God doesn't punish, but makes things easier when we follow. I'm grateful for our govt check. I love my home and family. I still am not speaking to mom as she won't respond to any email. E.D. behaviors are: hating me and my body, obsessing over it. Work in steps: none today, though I did read my daily meditations book. Codependency: afraid of screwing up, afraid spouse doesn't like me, upset Mom isn't talking to me. Another day! I'm playing 2 softball games this afternoon and all I can think about is how fat my legs look in shorts.

Saturday May 17. I am not having a balanced food today. I did not follow a food plan. I did not start my day in prayer. I started my day on the damn scale. I felt big, fat, ugly yesterday, and it made my upset and anxious, so this morning I weighed. I expected a higher number, but it's still too high. 91 lbs is comfortable. 93 is not. It's that simple. I'm really crazy right now b/c I need to make decisions about things for the summer, and much depends on where I will be.
So food plan: not following one
ED behaviors; weighing, skipping meals, purging, lying, denying, playing w/my recovery in a sense.
Attendance: lots of meetings, will go to church in the morning.
Codependency: mucho. still care too much about what others think.

Thursday

So I went to an OA meeting last night at the adorable and small Fort Sherman Chapel in Coeur d' Alene. There were 4 of us including me. I talked for an hour after the mtg w/a seasoned member. I bought a book that is used in the mtg. I shared. Still don't know what to do about going away for treatment vs getting it here for free via 12 step meetings. I like to know what is going to happen in every aspect of my life, so hanging on like this is difficult. I went to Celebrate Recovery on Tuesday night and plan on going tonight. I went to an AA meeting on Monday, so that covers each weeknight so far. i need more structure in my life, so I am working on a plan for that. I called Merry Maids today and made an appt to have an estimate made tomorrow. I can have my home clean OR picked up but not both. I want a neat and clean house, so I am willing to pay for some help. I started following a food plan this morning, but it went along the wayside by lunch time. Then, I had a major b/p. The whole thing lasted about 30 minutes. I'm disappointed in myself, b/c i can't get even one day of balance w/my food this month. Today is the 15th, and still no balance. I'm not in contact w/Judy and I am searching and praying for a new sponsor. I saw a nurse practitioner yesterday in place of a new psychiatrist. She pointed out that I have never been on meds for ocd, or the compulsion that feeds the eating disorder. She put me back on Seroquel, but it's half the amount I was on, and it's to treat anxiety. In 2 weeks, I see her for a look into meds for the ed specifically. I started back on Seroquel last night. I had bad nightmares that I can still remember vividly, I woke up w/a major headache and stiff neck. UGH. I got some things done today, including the purchase of a pedometer. I want to start running and challenging myself. I haven't weighed on at least 2 days. I have no idea what I weigh. I skipped dinner last night to go to the OA meeting, and I ran w/the dogs for about 45 minutes. I'm really trying to give up the scale obsession. Maybe weigh once per month. I also want to give up sugar, and I bought no sweet snacks for the boys this week. All I bought was ice cream, which usually isn't a problem. Yesterday and today it was what led me to binge. So much for my ice cream is ok theory.
So, for food plan, I am getting closer to following one, and realizing the need for one.
For attendance of meetings, I am doing A+ work.
For step work, I am answering the questions in the Celebrate Recovery book. I plan on doing the step study for the Sunday night OA mtg which I've never attended, but plan to start.
For co-dependency issues, my dad called yesterday and got me feeling bad about myself again. I did not stay home and make dinner last night. Instead I went to the OA mtg, which is progress for me. I'm still anxious and worried about what my spouse thinks of me at all times. He invited me to have lunch w/him yesterday, so I guess that means he still wants to see me.
For eating disorder behaviors, b/p yesterday, and today. Skipped dinner last night. Exercised yesterday. Picked my body apart/criticizing it yesterday. Measured things I ate and drank today. Want to be smaller, thinner, better, etc. Mom isn't talking to me or emailing me. This means she disapproves of me right now. I can't put the energy into worrying about it right now. I am just doing my own thing.

First post

Tuesday. I became too frustrated w/my previous blog spot. Sometimes my entry would take, sometimes it would be lost and irretrievable. I'm not a big supporter of computer stuff anyway, so my frustration was mounting higher and higher.
Anyway, I am a nurse and I am anorexic. I am trying to get better, but at times, I get tired, weak, beaten down. I'm at that place right now. My entire support system is crumbling. It began when my psychiatrist died. I saw a new guy whom I fired by my second visit. Currently, I have none, though I've tried for 2.5 weeks. It's the system that's failed, not I. I had a sponsor, but she kept taking on more and more people, until she attracted too much attention from the groups board. They blacklisted her and blocked her from the group. I quit the group in support of her, but now I"m angry at what she did. I don't want her for my sponsor anymore. So I'm out a psychiatrist, a sponsor and a support group. I was in an inpt program last December, but it was awful, useless and drove me crazy. I have no support from that place or anyone that I resided with. I do have a counselor and an MD. That's all I have. It's dr's orders that I do this blog. That's why I got so frustrated when my entries were being lost in cyberspace. I love my dr and I don't want to lose him. I've lost too much in this life already. I will lose my spouse if I don't stop the anorexic thinking. Then, I'll lose my young sons. My parents and sisters will cut me out of their lives. I'm not imaginging this. I've been told it will happen. I'm not scary to look at. I'm not nearly that thin. I was made to gain weight, and I did. My bmi is between 18 and 19. My dr wants it to be 20. I don't know how I will do that. I can't eat a meal that has more than one item of food in it. You know, the typical breakfast of a cereal, a fruit, and some milk? Or a lunch of a sandwich, a fruit, a vegetable and some chips or crackers? Or how about a dinner w/a salad, meat and potatoes? Nope, nope, and nope. I eat one item only. Nuts for breakfast. A Mrs May granola type snack for lunch. A fruit for dinner. Sometimes a yogurt. I eat a snack or two during the day as well if I get hungry or dizzy. Anyway, that's my introduction.