First post

Tuesday. I became too frustrated w/my previous blog spot. Sometimes my entry would take, sometimes it would be lost and irretrievable. I'm not a big supporter of computer stuff anyway, so my frustration was mounting higher and higher.
Anyway, I am a nurse and I am anorexic. I am trying to get better, but at times, I get tired, weak, beaten down. I'm at that place right now. My entire support system is crumbling. It began when my psychiatrist died. I saw a new guy whom I fired by my second visit. Currently, I have none, though I've tried for 2.5 weeks. It's the system that's failed, not I. I had a sponsor, but she kept taking on more and more people, until she attracted too much attention from the groups board. They blacklisted her and blocked her from the group. I quit the group in support of her, but now I"m angry at what she did. I don't want her for my sponsor anymore. So I'm out a psychiatrist, a sponsor and a support group. I was in an inpt program last December, but it was awful, useless and drove me crazy. I have no support from that place or anyone that I resided with. I do have a counselor and an MD. That's all I have. It's dr's orders that I do this blog. That's why I got so frustrated when my entries were being lost in cyberspace. I love my dr and I don't want to lose him. I've lost too much in this life already. I will lose my spouse if I don't stop the anorexic thinking. Then, I'll lose my young sons. My parents and sisters will cut me out of their lives. I'm not imaginging this. I've been told it will happen. I'm not scary to look at. I'm not nearly that thin. I was made to gain weight, and I did. My bmi is between 18 and 19. My dr wants it to be 20. I don't know how I will do that. I can't eat a meal that has more than one item of food in it. You know, the typical breakfast of a cereal, a fruit, and some milk? Or a lunch of a sandwich, a fruit, a vegetable and some chips or crackers? Or how about a dinner w/a salad, meat and potatoes? Nope, nope, and nope. I eat one item only. Nuts for breakfast. A Mrs May granola type snack for lunch. A fruit for dinner. Sometimes a yogurt. I eat a snack or two during the day as well if I get hungry or dizzy. Anyway, that's my introduction.