Friday, May 30

I b/p today. I just knew I had to get it over with so that I could get on w/my day which was very busy and still is. I haven't weighed in over a week. I'm trying Celexa for the ocd and urge to binge, or purge, or whatever my e.d. wants me to do. I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and cried when I shared. I talked about anger and resentment and shared that although I'm not angry and resentful toward my parents, I still wonder why I never got counseling when I witnessed her getting hit by a car and being on a ventilator in ICU. Our family was pretty messed up as a result of her temporal lobe head injury, yet the warning signs never prompted action. this made me cry. My appt w/Roye on Wednesday was awful, and I'm still reeling from that. I only have one Slim Fast left, so today at the grocery store, I bought Starbuck's coffee drinks in a bottle for my meal replacements. At least it doesn't say Slim on the bottle. It has 20 more cals than slim fast does. I may have to put these in a place that the spouse is not likely to find them. He hates me being on liquid meals. I was up for over 36 hours, and was still wired at bedtime last night. I took a 10 mg amitryptaline last night and 100 mg seroquel b/c i just HAVE TO sleep. I did, like a rock. It felt good. I was in good spirits today, so I don't know why I binged and purged. A longing for comfort is all I can think of. No one in my life gives me the soft, cozy comfort that i truly long for. Bo is occupied w/work, etc. My family is far away, and my kids don't let me cuddle w/them like they did when they were younger. Now they are "cool".
So:
FOOD PLAN:
I'm really loving the liquid meals. I love not dealing w/chewing and planning, etc.

WORKING ON THE STEPS:
not doing anything right now

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
That my secrets can stay secrets, celebrate recovery, alive

ED BEHAVIORS:
binged and purged today, liquid meals in a can

ATTENDANCE:
Celebrate Recov last night

PROGRESSION IN CODEPENDENCE:
I won't let Bo weigh me, as I have placed a boundary on that issue. I don't think he realizes this yet, but if he tries, I will tell him. I am responsible for my happiness only. Not anyone elses.