I keep trying to post on sparkpeople, and my entry gets erased nearly every time. It wastes my time. I am crazy today, b/c I weighed first thing and my wt is up!!!! I want to start cutting fat and flesh off my pudgy legs right now. I was noticing my calves and thighs last night when I was hanging out w/the family. i was so disgusted w/my body. I went to bed, tossed and turned most of the night, weighed this am, and my wt is up to 94!!! Yes, I ate a lot of sodium yesterday, but I was hoping, praying, counting on being lower than yesterday. I am so horrified. I went to church w/the family and really related to the pastor. Our pastor is very touchy/feely and he was crying during the sermon. i think he would relate to me. So my spouse and I came home and painted our bathroom. It's a lot of work, and the spouse was frustrated w/the removal of the 3 cabinets in there. i feel like a thumb around him when there's work to be done. I really don't have a rhythm about constructing, painting, etc. Sometimes, I feel like he needs a husband more than a wife. So, we have the first coat of the 3rd color up. The first was smokey eggplant. Too dark. Next I put up a soft lavendar in the same color palette. Icky. Now we are doing a light brown. I don't know if I like it, but it's staying no matter what. I am following a food plan unrigidly. I am grateful that God doesn't punish, but makes things easier when we follow. I'm grateful for our govt check. I love my home and family. I still am not speaking to mom as she won't respond to any email. E.D. behaviors are: hating me and my body, obsessing over it. Work in steps: none today, though I did read my daily meditations book. Codependency: afraid of screwing up, afraid spouse doesn't like me, upset Mom isn't talking to me. Another day! I'm playing 2 softball games this afternoon and all I can think about is how fat my legs look in shorts.