Thursday

So I went to an OA meeting last night at the adorable and small Fort Sherman Chapel in Coeur d' Alene. There were 4 of us including me. I talked for an hour after the mtg w/a seasoned member. I bought a book that is used in the mtg. I shared. Still don't know what to do about going away for treatment vs getting it here for free via 12 step meetings. I like to know what is going to happen in every aspect of my life, so hanging on like this is difficult. I went to Celebrate Recovery on Tuesday night and plan on going tonight. I went to an AA meeting on Monday, so that covers each weeknight so far. i need more structure in my life, so I am working on a plan for that. I called Merry Maids today and made an appt to have an estimate made tomorrow. I can have my home clean OR picked up but not both. I want a neat and clean house, so I am willing to pay for some help. I started following a food plan this morning, but it went along the wayside by lunch time. Then, I had a major b/p. The whole thing lasted about 30 minutes. I'm disappointed in myself, b/c i can't get even one day of balance w/my food this month. Today is the 15th, and still no balance. I'm not in contact w/Judy and I am searching and praying for a new sponsor. I saw a nurse practitioner yesterday in place of a new psychiatrist. She pointed out that I have never been on meds for ocd, or the compulsion that feeds the eating disorder. She put me back on Seroquel, but it's half the amount I was on, and it's to treat anxiety. In 2 weeks, I see her for a look into meds for the ed specifically. I started back on Seroquel last night. I had bad nightmares that I can still remember vividly, I woke up w/a major headache and stiff neck. UGH. I got some things done today, including the purchase of a pedometer. I want to start running and challenging myself. I haven't weighed on at least 2 days. I have no idea what I weigh. I skipped dinner last night to go to the OA meeting, and I ran w/the dogs for about 45 minutes. I'm really trying to give up the scale obsession. Maybe weigh once per month. I also want to give up sugar, and I bought no sweet snacks for the boys this week. All I bought was ice cream, which usually isn't a problem. Yesterday and today it was what led me to binge. So much for my ice cream is ok theory.
So, for food plan, I am getting closer to following one, and realizing the need for one.
For attendance of meetings, I am doing A+ work.
For step work, I am answering the questions in the Celebrate Recovery book. I plan on doing the step study for the Sunday night OA mtg which I've never attended, but plan to start.
For co-dependency issues, my dad called yesterday and got me feeling bad about myself again. I did not stay home and make dinner last night. Instead I went to the OA mtg, which is progress for me. I'm still anxious and worried about what my spouse thinks of me at all times. He invited me to have lunch w/him yesterday, so I guess that means he still wants to see me.
For eating disorder behaviors, b/p yesterday, and today. Skipped dinner last night. Exercised yesterday. Picked my body apart/criticizing it yesterday. Measured things I ate and drank today. Want to be smaller, thinner, better, etc. Mom isn't talking to me or emailing me. This means she disapproves of me right now. I can't put the energy into worrying about it right now. I am just doing my own thing.