In a deep dark pit, is there a way out anymore?

I am hopeless, discouraged, going to die soon if things don't change. I can't go a whole day without using my eating disorder. I hate it, hate myself. I want to be locked in a cell and given stipends of food. I hate my life. No matter what I try, I still suffer and I still sin, and use my ed. I want to go to treatment but it's just so inconvenient. People depend on me. My job is here in the home. I can't get a replacement. Yesterday I started thinking about suicide. Bo told me a couple of days ago that I have to choose between my family and my e.d. I can't. I want my family, but I can't stop the addiction. He's going to leave me or kick me out. He's told me this 4 or 5 times since November. My dad said this would happen. Now I don't feel I can tell him if and when I"m struggling. He'll hold it against me. He has to think I'm improving. I must eat in front of him always. My scale has been gone for 4 days. I'm scared. I don't trust my body. 22 years of this. How can it stop? I read, pray, read more, go to meetings, call my sponsor, exercise, etc. I'm not doing any better. I fantasize about running away and jumping off a cliff in the remote mtns. Where I"d never be found. Or surviving in the mtns on my own. It's not fair to slowly kill myself in front of my spouse and children. My literature says that God is the way out, but it hasn't helped yet. I repent, confess, beg for help, still, I'm awful.

food plan:
eat healthy foods in front of Bo

WORKING ON STEPS:
reading recovery material, answering the questions, journaling.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I'm still alive and kickin' the sun is coming out finally no one has written me off yet

ED BEHAVIORS:
binges, purges, laxatives, skipped meals, hard exercise every day, self loathing, see my body as huge and fat

ATTEND CHURCH, MEETINGS:
missed church lately. Went to part of my Wednesday OA mtg until hospital called and I had to leave. Going to every singel Celebrate meeting.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none. My world revolves around my spouse and kids.