so I had a relapse. Bo took the kids and dogs camping on Thursday and I had to stay home so that I could work Friday night. I knew that I was walking on shaky ground. I talked openly about it to a friend and to my sponsor and to my support group. I exercised thursday morning and friday morning. I felt abandoned. I relapsed not Thursday, but on friday. I went to a really dark place. I sharpened my kitchen knives. I cut my antecubital space with one. I didn't want to die, just get the pain out. Then the hospital calls me to say that I'm not needed and I need to stay available for them in case things change. Now I can't even do something fun. Alone. alone. alone.
I did some things that I'm not proud of but I also called work. They made a way for me to work. I did, and I'm proud of myself for that. My family came home Saturday evening and I felt safe once again.
FOOD PLAN:
Eating as little as possible. Haven't used diet pills for days now. Ate fresh rainbow trout tonight for dinner w/the family. Still using 1/2 caffeine, 1/2 decaf in the morning. Trying to cut back on the caffeine. still consuming a little bit of gluten. I always regret it later.
WORKING ON STEPS:
Didn't do much recovery study today. Not motivated, depressed.
GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness, new chances, a new day, a body that keeps ticking despite what I do to it.
ED BEHAVIORS:
restricting food, skipping meals, self depracating thoughts
ATTENDANCE:
no church this morning, no OA mtg today. I did go to celebrate recovery Thursday night.
PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Didn't tell spouse of how bad things were while he was gone. Did tell him I relapsed at day 7. told him why.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Doing better
I have 4 days behind me of living without e.d. behaviors. At times I am white knuckling it, other times, I feel ok.
FOOD PLAN:
eating safe, healthy foods when hungry. Recording the foods I eat. Not calling my food plan in, and not really following a plan at all.
WORKING ON STEPS:
I will need to do my step booklet homework today and tomorrow for my Thurs night meeting. We are working on the Hope chapter, so that's a good sign that things will start looking up, hopefully. I spend a few hours every day committing my time to recovery. I'm reading material in books, stuff on-line, my recovery Bible, speaking to ppl in recovery by phone, etc. I'm not treating recovery as if it's a passive process that works like osmosis for me. I'm working my tail off. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't deserve it to be easy. I got myself into this problem, and I will get myself out of it, with the help and strength of my HP, which I call God Almighty.
GRATITUDE:
I'm a wretch, a sinner, think sinful things, do sinful acts, but I'm forgiven and each day get to start over with God. Grateful I live in a place where I can openly and legally worship God. I have Bibles, and I am allowed to study them and learn from them. I still have my family who's stuck it out with me for years. I have friends that minister to me for free every day. I live in Paradise.
ED BEHAVIORS:
I'm taking diet pills: 4-6 per day. I have to keep my appetite under control, and I don't know if these pills are even working. I'm still hungry/ravishing hungry most of the time. I wake in the middle of the night starving. I'm restraining myself from eating too much. It's hard and I get pissed off about it. I just want to gorge myself w/food and get rid of it. But I'm not doing that today. Just for today, I won't do that. I won't punish myself by starving this hungry body. That will only lead to worse acts against myself.
My walks are a little longer and further. 75 minutes these days. Don't know how far, but I will drive the route and find out.
ATTENDANCE:
Went to recovery last night and stayed despite the rain storm. It frightens me to drive in the rain, since my roll over car accident on a freeway in 1996 while pregnant. The rain flooded the lane, and my car hydroplaned and rolled. I have panic attacks driving on the freeway in the rain now. I did ok though.
PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
Let the husband be angry, it doesn' have to pull my spirit down. I prayed for him yesterday when he wasn't home from work at the usual, expected time. He came home happier. Thankyou, Lord.
FOOD PLAN:
eating safe, healthy foods when hungry. Recording the foods I eat. Not calling my food plan in, and not really following a plan at all.
WORKING ON STEPS:
I will need to do my step booklet homework today and tomorrow for my Thurs night meeting. We are working on the Hope chapter, so that's a good sign that things will start looking up, hopefully. I spend a few hours every day committing my time to recovery. I'm reading material in books, stuff on-line, my recovery Bible, speaking to ppl in recovery by phone, etc. I'm not treating recovery as if it's a passive process that works like osmosis for me. I'm working my tail off. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't deserve it to be easy. I got myself into this problem, and I will get myself out of it, with the help and strength of my HP, which I call God Almighty.
GRATITUDE:
I'm a wretch, a sinner, think sinful things, do sinful acts, but I'm forgiven and each day get to start over with God. Grateful I live in a place where I can openly and legally worship God. I have Bibles, and I am allowed to study them and learn from them. I still have my family who's stuck it out with me for years. I have friends that minister to me for free every day. I live in Paradise.
ED BEHAVIORS:
I'm taking diet pills: 4-6 per day. I have to keep my appetite under control, and I don't know if these pills are even working. I'm still hungry/ravishing hungry most of the time. I wake in the middle of the night starving. I'm restraining myself from eating too much. It's hard and I get pissed off about it. I just want to gorge myself w/food and get rid of it. But I'm not doing that today. Just for today, I won't do that. I won't punish myself by starving this hungry body. That will only lead to worse acts against myself.
My walks are a little longer and further. 75 minutes these days. Don't know how far, but I will drive the route and find out.
ATTENDANCE:
Went to recovery last night and stayed despite the rain storm. It frightens me to drive in the rain, since my roll over car accident on a freeway in 1996 while pregnant. The rain flooded the lane, and my car hydroplaned and rolled. I have panic attacks driving on the freeway in the rain now. I did ok though.
PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
Let the husband be angry, it doesn' have to pull my spirit down. I prayed for him yesterday when he wasn't home from work at the usual, expected time. He came home happier. Thankyou, Lord.
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