Doing better

I have 4 days behind me of living without e.d. behaviors. At times I am white knuckling it, other times, I feel ok.

FOOD PLAN:
eating safe, healthy foods when hungry. Recording the foods I eat. Not calling my food plan in, and not really following a plan at all.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I will need to do my step booklet homework today and tomorrow for my Thurs night meeting. We are working on the Hope chapter, so that's a good sign that things will start looking up, hopefully. I spend a few hours every day committing my time to recovery. I'm reading material in books, stuff on-line, my recovery Bible, speaking to ppl in recovery by phone, etc. I'm not treating recovery as if it's a passive process that works like osmosis for me. I'm working my tail off. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't deserve it to be easy. I got myself into this problem, and I will get myself out of it, with the help and strength of my HP, which I call God Almighty.

GRATITUDE:
I'm a wretch, a sinner, think sinful things, do sinful acts, but I'm forgiven and each day get to start over with God. Grateful I live in a place where I can openly and legally worship God. I have Bibles, and I am allowed to study them and learn from them. I still have my family who's stuck it out with me for years. I have friends that minister to me for free every day. I live in Paradise.

ED BEHAVIORS:
I'm taking diet pills: 4-6 per day. I have to keep my appetite under control, and I don't know if these pills are even working. I'm still hungry/ravishing hungry most of the time. I wake in the middle of the night starving. I'm restraining myself from eating too much. It's hard and I get pissed off about it. I just want to gorge myself w/food and get rid of it. But I'm not doing that today. Just for today, I won't do that. I won't punish myself by starving this hungry body. That will only lead to worse acts against myself.
My walks are a little longer and further. 75 minutes these days. Don't know how far, but I will drive the route and find out.

ATTENDANCE:
Went to recovery last night and stayed despite the rain storm. It frightens me to drive in the rain, since my roll over car accident on a freeway in 1996 while pregnant. The rain flooded the lane, and my car hydroplaned and rolled. I have panic attacks driving on the freeway in the rain now. I did ok though.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
Let the husband be angry, it doesn' have to pull my spirit down. I prayed for him yesterday when he wasn't home from work at the usual, expected time. He came home happier. Thankyou, Lord.