so I had a relapse. Bo took the kids and dogs camping on Thursday and I had to stay home so that I could work Friday night. I knew that I was walking on shaky ground. I talked openly about it to a friend and to my sponsor and to my support group. I exercised thursday morning and friday morning. I felt abandoned. I relapsed not Thursday, but on friday. I went to a really dark place. I sharpened my kitchen knives. I cut my antecubital space with one. I didn't want to die, just get the pain out. Then the hospital calls me to say that I'm not needed and I need to stay available for them in case things change. Now I can't even do something fun. Alone. alone. alone.
I did some things that I'm not proud of but I also called work. They made a way for me to work. I did, and I'm proud of myself for that. My family came home Saturday evening and I felt safe once again.

FOOD PLAN:
Eating as little as possible. Haven't used diet pills for days now. Ate fresh rainbow trout tonight for dinner w/the family. Still using 1/2 caffeine, 1/2 decaf in the morning. Trying to cut back on the caffeine. still consuming a little bit of gluten. I always regret it later.

WORKING ON STEPS:
Didn't do much recovery study today. Not motivated, depressed.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness, new chances, a new day, a body that keeps ticking despite what I do to it.

ED BEHAVIORS:
restricting food, skipping meals, self depracating thoughts

ATTENDANCE:
no church this morning, no OA mtg today. I did go to celebrate recovery Thursday night.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Didn't tell spouse of how bad things were while he was gone. Did tell him I relapsed at day 7. told him why.