Day 4 of no bingeing, no purging, no restricting

I've decided to call my sponsor at the end of the day, due to relapses after calling in the past. It's like the evil one knows I won't call her after we've just talked, so that's when he gets me. I will call her toward the end of the day and tell her how I've done, what I learned, what I struggled with, etc. My spouse is just awful to be around lately. Like, for the past couple of weeks. He's critical, judgemental, negative, demanding, selfish. He yells at his wife and kids, calls the kids demeaning names like slob, pig, punk, etc. He grills me on my activities and makes snide remarks or criticizes what I call success. I can't lean on him for support right now at all. I am leaning more on God for strength and for hope.

FOOD PLAN:
eat when hungry, eat healthy foods, record foods throughout the day on paper. Don't eat unless physically hungry.

WORKING ON STEPS:
Doing the step workbook from Celebrate Recovery. I wish we were moving thru it faster. I'm feeling held back or harnessed. I study my Bible.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
grateful that I'm forgiven each day for my transgressions, even when I'm committing the same ones day after day.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Taking Metabolife to suppress my VORACIOUS appetite. Don't know if I'm so hungry from the exercise or from the celexa dose increase, but it's scaring me to death. I hate hunger, and hate giving into it by eating. I still don't know what I weigh, and fear gaining a ton from eating so much food.

ATTENDANCE:
Went to church Sunday, went to CR Thursday night and the Tuesday before it.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Spouse is bringing me down, making me anxious, repelling me from him. I'm being codependent for my children whom I feel protective over.

i'm hopeless

I'm hopeless about recovery today. I spoke w/my sponsor, telling her I've been doing great today and did great yesterday. Not 30 min. after our talk, I'm eating granola bars. I added my calorie total for the day so far and was over 800. I ate some more and purged it all. Now i have guilt and hopelessness. I'll have to tell on myself to my spouse and he'll be angry at me like he was a couple of nights ago. He doesn't deserve the truth, because he just gets angry at me and yells at me and then I feel worse. I give up, Lord. I give up. I'm not even going to try to get better for the rest of the day. I'm going to just ignore the whole damn thing.

mopey monday

My spouse left yesterday for a 4 day nursing conference in Boise. I'm alone w/the kids until Wednesday. The abandonment feelings began as soon as he walked out the door. My fear hit a new high. I cleaned, exercised alone for an hour and stayed out of the home and busy yesterday. I finally got home about 8 pm and started eating. ate cereal, cereal, cereal. Some candy. I ate. Then I purged and went to bed. I had 3 good days before yesterday. I was in contact w/my sponsor yesterday, but still, the e.d. won.

FOOD PLAN:
not following one as I haven't contacted food sponsor in days for a variety of reasons.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness from my multitude of sins. A new start. A loving spouse.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
restricting. Yesterday the only thing i ate was a granola bar for breakfast, another for lunch and about 5 chips. I drank some wine w/my friend. I binged and purge one time in the evening.

ATTENDANCE:
church closed. missed my Sunday OA meeting to spend time w/a friend and entertain my kids

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none

so, so, so.....

Today has been the worst relapse day ever. I called my sponsor in the morning, but other than that, I really didn't use the tools of the program. Tomorrow I will. I plan to use the following tools tomorrow:
phone
journaling
food plan
commit food plan to food sponsor
contact main sponsor
read recovery literature
read Bible
pray
turn will over to God
exercise
do feelings exercise w/spouse

FOOD PLAN:
ate what I wanted when and where I wanted to

WORKING ON STEPS;
no, none

GRATITUDE:
I didn't die, I didn't get caught in a bad situation, didn't need the e.r. at KMC, still have family and friends. God hasn't abandoned me yet. I am forgiven.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
binged and purged 3 or 4 separate times
skipped 2 meals: 1 before and 1 after b/p's.
dehydration state

ATTENDANCE OF CHURCH AND MEETINGS:
not today. Not aware of any meetings

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
my schedule revolved around my kids' needs. camp, etc. Soccer mom, that's me.

tomorrow is a new day. I have tools available and i need to use them.
I don't know what I'm running away from. It may be the stress of Wednesday's appt, I don't know. My mom called and said that it would be a good idea for me to go into treatment the last 10 days of December and the first 10 days of January so that insurance would pay more. Yeah, Mom, if I'm still alive I'll be sure to do that. thanks.

Sunday, day 2

Yesterday, I did not use any e.d. behavior to cope. I ate, I drank, I exercised moderately. I ate some sugar, but didn't over do it. I woke up this morning looking bigger, but w/no scale, I don't know if I actually am or not. No church today. I did walk this am alone for 50 minutes. I have to go to the inlaws for dinner as it's Father's Day and Bo's dad invited us. The kids are highly allergic to cats, and there are at least 2 up there on a regualr basis. When one dies, it is replaced by another. Bo is aware of this, and aware that the boys ended up in the hospital for 3 days the last time they were in a home w/cats. I throw my hands up and declare powerlessness over this.
I have decided to mark what day of recovery and abstinence from e.d. behavior on my inner wrist with a silver sharpie pen. It reminds me of how far I've come, and it motivates me to be good so that I don't have to go back to 1.

FOOD PLAN:
Eat when hungry. Eat small to moderate amount of healthy food. If I want a sweet or some candy, I will allow it for now. I am avoiding trigger foods. Breakfast was peanuts, coffee.
Lunch was mixed bean soup with white meat of chicken, 1/2 slice cheese, an apple.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I spent a couple of hours reading God's word and recovery material. I contacted my sponsor this morning.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I am grateful to have one whole good day behind me. I'm grateful that I'm not holding anger and resentment toward my dad for his tough love approach on the phone last month. I'm grateful I sleep at night. I'm grateful I don't have to work on a full time basis. Grateful for a spouse that tries things to help me.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
none yesterday. So far today, none.

ATTENDANCE OF CHURCH, MEETINGS:
Went to a saturday Celebrate meeting even though I don't go regularly. No church this morning.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none. still no boundaries.

In a deep dark pit, is there a way out anymore?

I am hopeless, discouraged, going to die soon if things don't change. I can't go a whole day without using my eating disorder. I hate it, hate myself. I want to be locked in a cell and given stipends of food. I hate my life. No matter what I try, I still suffer and I still sin, and use my ed. I want to go to treatment but it's just so inconvenient. People depend on me. My job is here in the home. I can't get a replacement. Yesterday I started thinking about suicide. Bo told me a couple of days ago that I have to choose between my family and my e.d. I can't. I want my family, but I can't stop the addiction. He's going to leave me or kick me out. He's told me this 4 or 5 times since November. My dad said this would happen. Now I don't feel I can tell him if and when I"m struggling. He'll hold it against me. He has to think I'm improving. I must eat in front of him always. My scale has been gone for 4 days. I'm scared. I don't trust my body. 22 years of this. How can it stop? I read, pray, read more, go to meetings, call my sponsor, exercise, etc. I'm not doing any better. I fantasize about running away and jumping off a cliff in the remote mtns. Where I"d never be found. Or surviving in the mtns on my own. It's not fair to slowly kill myself in front of my spouse and children. My literature says that God is the way out, but it hasn't helped yet. I repent, confess, beg for help, still, I'm awful.

food plan:
eat healthy foods in front of Bo

WORKING ON STEPS:
reading recovery material, answering the questions, journaling.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I'm still alive and kickin' the sun is coming out finally no one has written me off yet

ED BEHAVIORS:
binges, purges, laxatives, skipped meals, hard exercise every day, self loathing, see my body as huge and fat

ATTEND CHURCH, MEETINGS:
missed church lately. Went to part of my Wednesday OA mtg until hospital called and I had to leave. Going to every singel Celebrate meeting.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none. My world revolves around my spouse and kids.

it's been awhile

FOOD PLAN:
Following a book that suggests to eat when hungry ONLY. Stop eating when satisfied. Eat whatever you want. It worked yesterday. No e.d. behaviors yesterday. First good day this month. I tried to get off sugar and corn syrups completely but found it impossible at this time.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I am reading a new recovery Bible, doing the step work from the Celebrate Recovery workbook, meeting w/a lady that wants to sponsor me today, and attending Celebrate Recovery twice a week and OA twice a week. I'm journaling as well.

GRATITUDE;
Still alive, my family, my job, ability to do the things I want to do, the books that are helping me, a new friend, the animals around me and in my life.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Purging, restricting, exercising hard for an hour each time, weighing every day, worrying about getting fat, negative body image and thoughts that sustain that, not being totally honest and open w/Bo, fear of my clothes not fitting when I walk into my closet to get dressed. Denial.

ATTEND CHURCH, BIBLE STUDY, MEETINGS:
No church in 2 weeks. Bible study tonight, skipped Sunday OA meeting, but went to the Wednesday OA meeting. Going to Celebrate Recovery regularly.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
If I've made progress, I don't see it.

I think the new reading materials are good and are opening my eyes a bit. Get Thin Stay Thin and The Last Addiction are the newest books. I also bought the Celebrate Recovery Bible as it is required in class. I have a new friend and walking buddy, so we inspire each other to exercise. We also vent and share our lives w/each other. I'm getting more open about my illness w/Bo by writing my bad behaviors on the calendar. So far this month I've filled in 3 days out of 10 even though I've had bad behaviors 8 days out of 10. It's progress..... bo can't handle the whole truth of how I'm doing. He wants perfection and I am not capable of giving that right now. He's stressed about work as well. Why add fuel to the fire?