so I had a relapse. Bo took the kids and dogs camping on Thursday and I had to stay home so that I could work Friday night. I knew that I was walking on shaky ground. I talked openly about it to a friend and to my sponsor and to my support group. I exercised thursday morning and friday morning. I felt abandoned. I relapsed not Thursday, but on friday. I went to a really dark place. I sharpened my kitchen knives. I cut my antecubital space with one. I didn't want to die, just get the pain out. Then the hospital calls me to say that I'm not needed and I need to stay available for them in case things change. Now I can't even do something fun. Alone. alone. alone.
I did some things that I'm not proud of but I also called work. They made a way for me to work. I did, and I'm proud of myself for that. My family came home Saturday evening and I felt safe once again.

FOOD PLAN:
Eating as little as possible. Haven't used diet pills for days now. Ate fresh rainbow trout tonight for dinner w/the family. Still using 1/2 caffeine, 1/2 decaf in the morning. Trying to cut back on the caffeine. still consuming a little bit of gluten. I always regret it later.

WORKING ON STEPS:
Didn't do much recovery study today. Not motivated, depressed.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness, new chances, a new day, a body that keeps ticking despite what I do to it.

ED BEHAVIORS:
restricting food, skipping meals, self depracating thoughts

ATTENDANCE:
no church this morning, no OA mtg today. I did go to celebrate recovery Thursday night.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Didn't tell spouse of how bad things were while he was gone. Did tell him I relapsed at day 7. told him why.

Doing better

I have 4 days behind me of living without e.d. behaviors. At times I am white knuckling it, other times, I feel ok.

FOOD PLAN:
eating safe, healthy foods when hungry. Recording the foods I eat. Not calling my food plan in, and not really following a plan at all.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I will need to do my step booklet homework today and tomorrow for my Thurs night meeting. We are working on the Hope chapter, so that's a good sign that things will start looking up, hopefully. I spend a few hours every day committing my time to recovery. I'm reading material in books, stuff on-line, my recovery Bible, speaking to ppl in recovery by phone, etc. I'm not treating recovery as if it's a passive process that works like osmosis for me. I'm working my tail off. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't deserve it to be easy. I got myself into this problem, and I will get myself out of it, with the help and strength of my HP, which I call God Almighty.

GRATITUDE:
I'm a wretch, a sinner, think sinful things, do sinful acts, but I'm forgiven and each day get to start over with God. Grateful I live in a place where I can openly and legally worship God. I have Bibles, and I am allowed to study them and learn from them. I still have my family who's stuck it out with me for years. I have friends that minister to me for free every day. I live in Paradise.

ED BEHAVIORS:
I'm taking diet pills: 4-6 per day. I have to keep my appetite under control, and I don't know if these pills are even working. I'm still hungry/ravishing hungry most of the time. I wake in the middle of the night starving. I'm restraining myself from eating too much. It's hard and I get pissed off about it. I just want to gorge myself w/food and get rid of it. But I'm not doing that today. Just for today, I won't do that. I won't punish myself by starving this hungry body. That will only lead to worse acts against myself.
My walks are a little longer and further. 75 minutes these days. Don't know how far, but I will drive the route and find out.

ATTENDANCE:
Went to recovery last night and stayed despite the rain storm. It frightens me to drive in the rain, since my roll over car accident on a freeway in 1996 while pregnant. The rain flooded the lane, and my car hydroplaned and rolled. I have panic attacks driving on the freeway in the rain now. I did ok though.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
Let the husband be angry, it doesn' have to pull my spirit down. I prayed for him yesterday when he wasn't home from work at the usual, expected time. He came home happier. Thankyou, Lord.

Day 4 of no bingeing, no purging, no restricting

I've decided to call my sponsor at the end of the day, due to relapses after calling in the past. It's like the evil one knows I won't call her after we've just talked, so that's when he gets me. I will call her toward the end of the day and tell her how I've done, what I learned, what I struggled with, etc. My spouse is just awful to be around lately. Like, for the past couple of weeks. He's critical, judgemental, negative, demanding, selfish. He yells at his wife and kids, calls the kids demeaning names like slob, pig, punk, etc. He grills me on my activities and makes snide remarks or criticizes what I call success. I can't lean on him for support right now at all. I am leaning more on God for strength and for hope.

FOOD PLAN:
eat when hungry, eat healthy foods, record foods throughout the day on paper. Don't eat unless physically hungry.

WORKING ON STEPS:
Doing the step workbook from Celebrate Recovery. I wish we were moving thru it faster. I'm feeling held back or harnessed. I study my Bible.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
grateful that I'm forgiven each day for my transgressions, even when I'm committing the same ones day after day.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Taking Metabolife to suppress my VORACIOUS appetite. Don't know if I'm so hungry from the exercise or from the celexa dose increase, but it's scaring me to death. I hate hunger, and hate giving into it by eating. I still don't know what I weigh, and fear gaining a ton from eating so much food.

ATTENDANCE:
Went to church Sunday, went to CR Thursday night and the Tuesday before it.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
Spouse is bringing me down, making me anxious, repelling me from him. I'm being codependent for my children whom I feel protective over.

i'm hopeless

I'm hopeless about recovery today. I spoke w/my sponsor, telling her I've been doing great today and did great yesterday. Not 30 min. after our talk, I'm eating granola bars. I added my calorie total for the day so far and was over 800. I ate some more and purged it all. Now i have guilt and hopelessness. I'll have to tell on myself to my spouse and he'll be angry at me like he was a couple of nights ago. He doesn't deserve the truth, because he just gets angry at me and yells at me and then I feel worse. I give up, Lord. I give up. I'm not even going to try to get better for the rest of the day. I'm going to just ignore the whole damn thing.

mopey monday

My spouse left yesterday for a 4 day nursing conference in Boise. I'm alone w/the kids until Wednesday. The abandonment feelings began as soon as he walked out the door. My fear hit a new high. I cleaned, exercised alone for an hour and stayed out of the home and busy yesterday. I finally got home about 8 pm and started eating. ate cereal, cereal, cereal. Some candy. I ate. Then I purged and went to bed. I had 3 good days before yesterday. I was in contact w/my sponsor yesterday, but still, the e.d. won.

FOOD PLAN:
not following one as I haven't contacted food sponsor in days for a variety of reasons.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
forgiveness from my multitude of sins. A new start. A loving spouse.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
restricting. Yesterday the only thing i ate was a granola bar for breakfast, another for lunch and about 5 chips. I drank some wine w/my friend. I binged and purge one time in the evening.

ATTENDANCE:
church closed. missed my Sunday OA meeting to spend time w/a friend and entertain my kids

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none

so, so, so.....

Today has been the worst relapse day ever. I called my sponsor in the morning, but other than that, I really didn't use the tools of the program. Tomorrow I will. I plan to use the following tools tomorrow:
phone
journaling
food plan
commit food plan to food sponsor
contact main sponsor
read recovery literature
read Bible
pray
turn will over to God
exercise
do feelings exercise w/spouse

FOOD PLAN:
ate what I wanted when and where I wanted to

WORKING ON STEPS;
no, none

GRATITUDE:
I didn't die, I didn't get caught in a bad situation, didn't need the e.r. at KMC, still have family and friends. God hasn't abandoned me yet. I am forgiven.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
binged and purged 3 or 4 separate times
skipped 2 meals: 1 before and 1 after b/p's.
dehydration state

ATTENDANCE OF CHURCH AND MEETINGS:
not today. Not aware of any meetings

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY;
my schedule revolved around my kids' needs. camp, etc. Soccer mom, that's me.

tomorrow is a new day. I have tools available and i need to use them.
I don't know what I'm running away from. It may be the stress of Wednesday's appt, I don't know. My mom called and said that it would be a good idea for me to go into treatment the last 10 days of December and the first 10 days of January so that insurance would pay more. Yeah, Mom, if I'm still alive I'll be sure to do that. thanks.

Sunday, day 2

Yesterday, I did not use any e.d. behavior to cope. I ate, I drank, I exercised moderately. I ate some sugar, but didn't over do it. I woke up this morning looking bigger, but w/no scale, I don't know if I actually am or not. No church today. I did walk this am alone for 50 minutes. I have to go to the inlaws for dinner as it's Father's Day and Bo's dad invited us. The kids are highly allergic to cats, and there are at least 2 up there on a regualr basis. When one dies, it is replaced by another. Bo is aware of this, and aware that the boys ended up in the hospital for 3 days the last time they were in a home w/cats. I throw my hands up and declare powerlessness over this.
I have decided to mark what day of recovery and abstinence from e.d. behavior on my inner wrist with a silver sharpie pen. It reminds me of how far I've come, and it motivates me to be good so that I don't have to go back to 1.

FOOD PLAN:
Eat when hungry. Eat small to moderate amount of healthy food. If I want a sweet or some candy, I will allow it for now. I am avoiding trigger foods. Breakfast was peanuts, coffee.
Lunch was mixed bean soup with white meat of chicken, 1/2 slice cheese, an apple.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I spent a couple of hours reading God's word and recovery material. I contacted my sponsor this morning.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I am grateful to have one whole good day behind me. I'm grateful that I'm not holding anger and resentment toward my dad for his tough love approach on the phone last month. I'm grateful I sleep at night. I'm grateful I don't have to work on a full time basis. Grateful for a spouse that tries things to help me.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
none yesterday. So far today, none.

ATTENDANCE OF CHURCH, MEETINGS:
Went to a saturday Celebrate meeting even though I don't go regularly. No church this morning.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none. still no boundaries.

In a deep dark pit, is there a way out anymore?

I am hopeless, discouraged, going to die soon if things don't change. I can't go a whole day without using my eating disorder. I hate it, hate myself. I want to be locked in a cell and given stipends of food. I hate my life. No matter what I try, I still suffer and I still sin, and use my ed. I want to go to treatment but it's just so inconvenient. People depend on me. My job is here in the home. I can't get a replacement. Yesterday I started thinking about suicide. Bo told me a couple of days ago that I have to choose between my family and my e.d. I can't. I want my family, but I can't stop the addiction. He's going to leave me or kick me out. He's told me this 4 or 5 times since November. My dad said this would happen. Now I don't feel I can tell him if and when I"m struggling. He'll hold it against me. He has to think I'm improving. I must eat in front of him always. My scale has been gone for 4 days. I'm scared. I don't trust my body. 22 years of this. How can it stop? I read, pray, read more, go to meetings, call my sponsor, exercise, etc. I'm not doing any better. I fantasize about running away and jumping off a cliff in the remote mtns. Where I"d never be found. Or surviving in the mtns on my own. It's not fair to slowly kill myself in front of my spouse and children. My literature says that God is the way out, but it hasn't helped yet. I repent, confess, beg for help, still, I'm awful.

food plan:
eat healthy foods in front of Bo

WORKING ON STEPS:
reading recovery material, answering the questions, journaling.

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I'm still alive and kickin' the sun is coming out finally no one has written me off yet

ED BEHAVIORS:
binges, purges, laxatives, skipped meals, hard exercise every day, self loathing, see my body as huge and fat

ATTEND CHURCH, MEETINGS:
missed church lately. Went to part of my Wednesday OA mtg until hospital called and I had to leave. Going to every singel Celebrate meeting.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
none. My world revolves around my spouse and kids.

it's been awhile

FOOD PLAN:
Following a book that suggests to eat when hungry ONLY. Stop eating when satisfied. Eat whatever you want. It worked yesterday. No e.d. behaviors yesterday. First good day this month. I tried to get off sugar and corn syrups completely but found it impossible at this time.

WORKING ON STEPS:
I am reading a new recovery Bible, doing the step work from the Celebrate Recovery workbook, meeting w/a lady that wants to sponsor me today, and attending Celebrate Recovery twice a week and OA twice a week. I'm journaling as well.

GRATITUDE;
Still alive, my family, my job, ability to do the things I want to do, the books that are helping me, a new friend, the animals around me and in my life.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Purging, restricting, exercising hard for an hour each time, weighing every day, worrying about getting fat, negative body image and thoughts that sustain that, not being totally honest and open w/Bo, fear of my clothes not fitting when I walk into my closet to get dressed. Denial.

ATTEND CHURCH, BIBLE STUDY, MEETINGS:
No church in 2 weeks. Bible study tonight, skipped Sunday OA meeting, but went to the Wednesday OA meeting. Going to Celebrate Recovery regularly.

PROGRESS IN CODEPENDENCY:
If I've made progress, I don't see it.

I think the new reading materials are good and are opening my eyes a bit. Get Thin Stay Thin and The Last Addiction are the newest books. I also bought the Celebrate Recovery Bible as it is required in class. I have a new friend and walking buddy, so we inspire each other to exercise. We also vent and share our lives w/each other. I'm getting more open about my illness w/Bo by writing my bad behaviors on the calendar. So far this month I've filled in 3 days out of 10 even though I've had bad behaviors 8 days out of 10. It's progress..... bo can't handle the whole truth of how I'm doing. He wants perfection and I am not capable of giving that right now. He's stressed about work as well. Why add fuel to the fire?

Friday, May 30

I b/p today. I just knew I had to get it over with so that I could get on w/my day which was very busy and still is. I haven't weighed in over a week. I'm trying Celexa for the ocd and urge to binge, or purge, or whatever my e.d. wants me to do. I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and cried when I shared. I talked about anger and resentment and shared that although I'm not angry and resentful toward my parents, I still wonder why I never got counseling when I witnessed her getting hit by a car and being on a ventilator in ICU. Our family was pretty messed up as a result of her temporal lobe head injury, yet the warning signs never prompted action. this made me cry. My appt w/Roye on Wednesday was awful, and I'm still reeling from that. I only have one Slim Fast left, so today at the grocery store, I bought Starbuck's coffee drinks in a bottle for my meal replacements. At least it doesn't say Slim on the bottle. It has 20 more cals than slim fast does. I may have to put these in a place that the spouse is not likely to find them. He hates me being on liquid meals. I was up for over 36 hours, and was still wired at bedtime last night. I took a 10 mg amitryptaline last night and 100 mg seroquel b/c i just HAVE TO sleep. I did, like a rock. It felt good. I was in good spirits today, so I don't know why I binged and purged. A longing for comfort is all I can think of. No one in my life gives me the soft, cozy comfort that i truly long for. Bo is occupied w/work, etc. My family is far away, and my kids don't let me cuddle w/them like they did when they were younger. Now they are "cool".
So:
FOOD PLAN:
I'm really loving the liquid meals. I love not dealing w/chewing and planning, etc.

WORKING ON THE STEPS:
not doing anything right now

GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
That my secrets can stay secrets, celebrate recovery, alive

ED BEHAVIORS:
binged and purged today, liquid meals in a can

ATTENDANCE:
Celebrate Recov last night

PROGRESSION IN CODEPENDENCE:
I won't let Bo weigh me, as I have placed a boundary on that issue. I don't think he realizes this yet, but if he tries, I will tell him. I am responsible for my happiness only. Not anyone elses.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

So I saw the mental health nurse practitioner today and she really brought me down. I told her of all of the meetings I've found and am attending. She focused on the fact that I've only had 4 days this month of no e.d. behavior. On a positive note, she prescribed Celexa, which will hopefully bring the ocd drive down to normal. I really am trying to get better, and I am better. I don't weigh 82 pounds. Infact, I don't know what I weigh since I stopped weighing myself last Thursday. I don't purge 5-8 times per day, I purge 0-1 time. I don't exercise 4 hours, I exercise for 30-40 minutes. She pointed out this: I've FAILED 3 treatment centers, how is a family practice dr going to make me better. He's a very busy guy, his exercises aren't going to cure me. It was so negative. I go back in 3 weeks for a medication check, and after that I'm seeing the psychiatrist. Hope he's more positive. Maybe she's just being real and I can't take it. I don't know anymore.

FOOD PLAN:
Slim Fast once today, NuGo granola bar twice today, 1/2 apple, cashews. Plan to eat a salad for dinner tonight.

E.D. BEHAVIORS:
Binged, purged one time. Meal replacements.

ATTENDANCE AT MEETINGS, CHURCH, BIBLE STUDY:
I went to church on Friday night at Real Life. I went alone and it was great. Sunday I attended 2 OA meetings. One was awful, the second one was great and I plan to go back. Tuesday morning I saw my counselor and Tuesday night I went to my bible study w/my spouse. Today's OA meeting has been cancelled.

STEP WORK:
none, still don't have a new sponsor. i don't like talking to the old sponsor on the phone. I feel hurt by her unannounced absence.

CODEPENDENCY:
My spouse hurt me last night by saying, "when you have Slim Fast for a meal, I consider it skipping that meal." I thought, then fine, I won't have anything then.

I can't believe it

Dr. Torquato, I think you are doing a splendid job w/my treatment, however, yesterday blew me away. In front of my spouse, you asked me if I'm bingeing, purging, chewing and spitting, or restricting. There is no way I can be open and honest about those things w/my spouse there. If I had been alone, I would have told you that the bingeing is decreased, but still happening, and in fact happened that very day. The purging is nearly a daily event and happened that very day. The chewing and spitting only happens at work when there are baked foods around for the taking. I haven't worked in 10 days, so it hasn't happened recently. I used a diuretic and 2 laxatives the morning of our appt because I planned on getting weighed. I was honest about the Slim Fast and meal replacement bars. This is why I gave myself a 3 on the scale of e.d. behavior. My spouse doesn't know the details of my addiction. He doesn't need to, as he has difficulty w/the things he knows about. I'm sorry I lied, but it was for self protection.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Now I have 2 days this month of no purging. I did not binge on those days either. I did use Slim Fast for 2 meals yesterday. I ate a meal replacement bar for breakfast and 1/2 for a snack, another 1/2 at bedtime. I probably consumed about 1200 or 1300 cals yesterday. This morning, my wt was still high. I don't know why. It must be the Seroquel. This is frustrating to me, especially b/c I get weighed at the dr tomorrow. I plan to run today. Maybe go to the gym and lift weights. I have a lot to do, and I haven't worked in over a week, so I feel guilty and ashamed for that.
FOOD PLAN:
Using meal replacement bars and shakes. This is less overwhelming to me.

MEETINGS:
Went to Celeb. Recovery from 6-9 pm last night. Talked 1:1 w/a member there for about 40 min. Participated. Bought a CR journal.

EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS:
weighing myself, obsessing about my fat body, anxious about wt and body, not following food plan that includes real foods from the food groups.

GRATITUDE:
having employment, having a higher power, family, friends, a chance at recovery, my team, no major crises to handle right now, health.

CODEPENDENCY:
more awareness about the various ppl and places that I am codependent about. Learning about healthy boundaries, esp w/spouse and father.

Moody Monday

Kids went back to school, and I haven't been forcing myself to sit in my 5th graders class lately. Sure enough, I get a call from the principal. Seems my son spit on a boy who is a friend. He was angry at him for imitating him in an ifeminate way. This is really bringing me down. I hurt b/c my son is hurting. He feels like an outcast at school even though he's a funny, likeable kid. He super sensitive like I am. I feel hurt, he gets angry. I don't know what to do except to love him.
My wt is down a pound today. It's still too high, but I'm eating light and healthfully. I exercised a lot yesterday eve while playing 2 softball games back to back. I plan on exercising today, but I have been painting a bathroom for 2 days now. It wears me out.
FOOD PLAN: not following one
GRATITUDE: God, friends, family, a home, a job, grace, warm weather, counselor, doc.
STEP WORK: none today or yesterday. I am doing some reading of recovery materials.
EATING DISORDER BEHAVIORS: weighing of self and food. Obsessing about the appearance of fat and cellulite on body and what ppl are seeing and thinking. Diuretic use yesterday eve b/c I felt like I was retaining water from increased sodium intake the day before. Restricing food.
CODEPENDENCY; working on bathroom w/spouse. He is impatient, I feel inept. I feel small and insignificant.
Today, I feel that there is no possible way for me to leave my family. My 11 yr old especially needs me and needs stability in his life. I feel like if alcoholics can recover thru meetings, so can I. I will keep trying. No meeting tonight, but I see counselor in a.m., and I have Celebrate Recovery in the eve.

I keep trying to post on sparkpeople, and my entry gets erased nearly every time. It wastes my time. I am crazy today, b/c I weighed first thing and my wt is up!!!! I want to start cutting fat and flesh off my pudgy legs right now. I was noticing my calves and thighs last night when I was hanging out w/the family. i was so disgusted w/my body. I went to bed, tossed and turned most of the night, weighed this am, and my wt is up to 94!!! Yes, I ate a lot of sodium yesterday, but I was hoping, praying, counting on being lower than yesterday. I am so horrified. I went to church w/the family and really related to the pastor. Our pastor is very touchy/feely and he was crying during the sermon. i think he would relate to me. So my spouse and I came home and painted our bathroom. It's a lot of work, and the spouse was frustrated w/the removal of the 3 cabinets in there. i feel like a thumb around him when there's work to be done. I really don't have a rhythm about constructing, painting, etc. Sometimes, I feel like he needs a husband more than a wife. So, we have the first coat of the 3rd color up. The first was smokey eggplant. Too dark. Next I put up a soft lavendar in the same color palette. Icky. Now we are doing a light brown. I don't know if I like it, but it's staying no matter what. I am following a food plan unrigidly. I am grateful that God doesn't punish, but makes things easier when we follow. I'm grateful for our govt check. I love my home and family. I still am not speaking to mom as she won't respond to any email. E.D. behaviors are: hating me and my body, obsessing over it. Work in steps: none today, though I did read my daily meditations book. Codependency: afraid of screwing up, afraid spouse doesn't like me, upset Mom isn't talking to me. Another day! I'm playing 2 softball games this afternoon and all I can think about is how fat my legs look in shorts.

Saturday May 17. I am not having a balanced food today. I did not follow a food plan. I did not start my day in prayer. I started my day on the damn scale. I felt big, fat, ugly yesterday, and it made my upset and anxious, so this morning I weighed. I expected a higher number, but it's still too high. 91 lbs is comfortable. 93 is not. It's that simple. I'm really crazy right now b/c I need to make decisions about things for the summer, and much depends on where I will be.
So food plan: not following one
ED behaviors; weighing, skipping meals, purging, lying, denying, playing w/my recovery in a sense.
Attendance: lots of meetings, will go to church in the morning.
Codependency: mucho. still care too much about what others think.

Thursday

So I went to an OA meeting last night at the adorable and small Fort Sherman Chapel in Coeur d' Alene. There were 4 of us including me. I talked for an hour after the mtg w/a seasoned member. I bought a book that is used in the mtg. I shared. Still don't know what to do about going away for treatment vs getting it here for free via 12 step meetings. I like to know what is going to happen in every aspect of my life, so hanging on like this is difficult. I went to Celebrate Recovery on Tuesday night and plan on going tonight. I went to an AA meeting on Monday, so that covers each weeknight so far. i need more structure in my life, so I am working on a plan for that. I called Merry Maids today and made an appt to have an estimate made tomorrow. I can have my home clean OR picked up but not both. I want a neat and clean house, so I am willing to pay for some help. I started following a food plan this morning, but it went along the wayside by lunch time. Then, I had a major b/p. The whole thing lasted about 30 minutes. I'm disappointed in myself, b/c i can't get even one day of balance w/my food this month. Today is the 15th, and still no balance. I'm not in contact w/Judy and I am searching and praying for a new sponsor. I saw a nurse practitioner yesterday in place of a new psychiatrist. She pointed out that I have never been on meds for ocd, or the compulsion that feeds the eating disorder. She put me back on Seroquel, but it's half the amount I was on, and it's to treat anxiety. In 2 weeks, I see her for a look into meds for the ed specifically. I started back on Seroquel last night. I had bad nightmares that I can still remember vividly, I woke up w/a major headache and stiff neck. UGH. I got some things done today, including the purchase of a pedometer. I want to start running and challenging myself. I haven't weighed on at least 2 days. I have no idea what I weigh. I skipped dinner last night to go to the OA meeting, and I ran w/the dogs for about 45 minutes. I'm really trying to give up the scale obsession. Maybe weigh once per month. I also want to give up sugar, and I bought no sweet snacks for the boys this week. All I bought was ice cream, which usually isn't a problem. Yesterday and today it was what led me to binge. So much for my ice cream is ok theory.
So, for food plan, I am getting closer to following one, and realizing the need for one.
For attendance of meetings, I am doing A+ work.
For step work, I am answering the questions in the Celebrate Recovery book. I plan on doing the step study for the Sunday night OA mtg which I've never attended, but plan to start.
For co-dependency issues, my dad called yesterday and got me feeling bad about myself again. I did not stay home and make dinner last night. Instead I went to the OA mtg, which is progress for me. I'm still anxious and worried about what my spouse thinks of me at all times. He invited me to have lunch w/him yesterday, so I guess that means he still wants to see me.
For eating disorder behaviors, b/p yesterday, and today. Skipped dinner last night. Exercised yesterday. Picked my body apart/criticizing it yesterday. Measured things I ate and drank today. Want to be smaller, thinner, better, etc. Mom isn't talking to me or emailing me. This means she disapproves of me right now. I can't put the energy into worrying about it right now. I am just doing my own thing.

First post

Tuesday. I became too frustrated w/my previous blog spot. Sometimes my entry would take, sometimes it would be lost and irretrievable. I'm not a big supporter of computer stuff anyway, so my frustration was mounting higher and higher.
Anyway, I am a nurse and I am anorexic. I am trying to get better, but at times, I get tired, weak, beaten down. I'm at that place right now. My entire support system is crumbling. It began when my psychiatrist died. I saw a new guy whom I fired by my second visit. Currently, I have none, though I've tried for 2.5 weeks. It's the system that's failed, not I. I had a sponsor, but she kept taking on more and more people, until she attracted too much attention from the groups board. They blacklisted her and blocked her from the group. I quit the group in support of her, but now I"m angry at what she did. I don't want her for my sponsor anymore. So I'm out a psychiatrist, a sponsor and a support group. I was in an inpt program last December, but it was awful, useless and drove me crazy. I have no support from that place or anyone that I resided with. I do have a counselor and an MD. That's all I have. It's dr's orders that I do this blog. That's why I got so frustrated when my entries were being lost in cyberspace. I love my dr and I don't want to lose him. I've lost too much in this life already. I will lose my spouse if I don't stop the anorexic thinking. Then, I'll lose my young sons. My parents and sisters will cut me out of their lives. I'm not imaginging this. I've been told it will happen. I'm not scary to look at. I'm not nearly that thin. I was made to gain weight, and I did. My bmi is between 18 and 19. My dr wants it to be 20. I don't know how I will do that. I can't eat a meal that has more than one item of food in it. You know, the typical breakfast of a cereal, a fruit, and some milk? Or a lunch of a sandwich, a fruit, a vegetable and some chips or crackers? Or how about a dinner w/a salad, meat and potatoes? Nope, nope, and nope. I eat one item only. Nuts for breakfast. A Mrs May granola type snack for lunch. A fruit for dinner. Sometimes a yogurt. I eat a snack or two during the day as well if I get hungry or dizzy. Anyway, that's my introduction.